Archive for January, 2004

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Bible lately. Ok, not really. However, a few days ago I got to thinkin’ about Job. And about how you always hear people saying so-and-so “has the patience of Job”. Invariably, even though I know better, I say “job” in my mind. Instead of Job (long O), like the dude in the Bible. It’s these little idiosyncrasies of the thought process that really make us interesting people, I believe. You have to admit, though, Job (long O) is a pretty unique name… you don’t hear it around much anymore. Well, there is Steve Jobs, but you actually pronounce that like the real word “job”. Trust me, you do. I’m not exactly sure what the connection is between Job and Jobs, but I think it has something to do with the hair. Job was afflicted with sores, had his children taken from him, etc. / Steve Jobs co-founded Apple and Pixar, the maker of such fine films as A Bug’s Life and Finding Nemo. I’ll leave it for you to draw your own parallels.

This brings me to a more perplexing issue. Names of the Bible… sure, a lot of people today are named Mary, John, Elijah or Isaac. Even Levi shows up now and then. Noah and Hannah are also uber-trendy today for the ‘younguns’. But where are the Zebadiahs, Nehemiahs and Mathusalas of today? I haven’t seen too many Jeberechiahs or Japheths around. Don’t even get me started on Lazarus. And who would be caught dead these days answering to “Goliath”? But really, what’s the deal? Are we just leaving these gems to wither on the vine? And why is it that the majority of cool names of the Bible end in “iah” or the flashier “adiah”? Come out, Jedediahs and Hezekiahs of the world! You have a place in our society, I say. Come out and receive your popularity and fast cars.

And to that end, I announce my new “handle”: firecrackadiah

a new year indeed. it’s only the 6th of january and i think i’ve reached my maxiumum stress threshold. things are completely out of control… my bills, my job… my laundry. don’t even get me started on the state of my trashcans. oh i know, carl say relax. but what carl doesn’t know is that if things don’t shape up soon, he’s going to find his ass on ebay just like the rest of the freeloaders around here. (that means you, set of 12 crystal luncheon plates.) in fact, i’m getting tired of people telling me to relax. i’m not sure about you, but i seem to remember the words “just relax, this won’t hurt a bit” are generally followed by various unpleasant and painful experiences.

sometimes i’m not sure why exactly i can’t just relax, but earlier this evening i think i figured it out. it’s because i don’t know what i’m missing. it’s true, apparently. jamelah’s grandma says so, and if it’s good enough for jamelah and her grandma, it’s damn well good enough for me. except there’s a problem. just like the phrase “just relax, this won’t hurt a bit”, “you don’t know what you’re missing” ranks right up there with phrases that should be a big clue to turn around and run the other way. i notice that people say this a lot about things that are either totally insane and dangerous or when they’re trying to rope you into something so they’re not the only one who fell for it. dancing naked with alligators: you don’t know what you’re missing! prune mousse pancakes: you don’t know what you’re missing! join a suicide pact cult: you don’t know what you’re missing!

right. apparently most of the time i don’t know what i’m missing. so i’m going to make a little chart to keep track:

instances where i don’t know what i’m missing: