relax, don’t do it

carl


welcome, dear reader, to the latest addition to the lit-fuse rarely-updated blog line up! why not, right? a new year, a new you. of course.

a new year indeed. it’s only the 6th of january and i think i’ve reached my maxiumum stress threshold. things are completely out of control… my bills, my job… my laundry. don’t even get me started on the state of my trashcans. oh i know, carl say relax. but what carl doesn’t know is that if things don’t shape up soon, he’s going to find his ass on ebay just like the rest of the freeloaders around here. (that means you, set of 12 crystal luncheon plates.) in fact, i’m getting tired of people telling me to relax. i’m not sure about you, but i seem to remember the words “just relax, this won’t hurt a bit” are generally followed by various unpleasant and painful experiences.

sometimes i’m not sure why exactly i can’t just relax, but earlier this evening i think i figured it out. it’s because i don’t know what i’m missing. it’s true, apparently. jamelah’s grandma says so, and if it’s good enough for jamelah and her grandma, it’s damn well good enough for me. except there’s a problem. just like the phrase “just relax, this won’t hurt a bit”, “you don’t know what you’re missing” ranks right up there with phrases that should be a big clue to turn around and run the other way. i notice that people say this a lot about things that are either totally insane and dangerous or when they’re trying to rope you into something so they’re not the only one who fell for it. dancing naked with alligators: you don’t know what you’re missing! prune mousse pancakes: you don’t know what you’re missing! join a suicide pact cult: you don’t know what you’re missing!

right. apparently most of the time i don’t know what i’m missing. so i’m going to make a little chart to keep track:

instances where i don’t know what i’m missing:

  • hair club for men
  • life as a serial killer
  • any “salad” that includes the following ingredients: cottage cheese, jello, celery
  • debt-free living

    things i know are missing:

  • my phone card
  • a really nice pair of burgundy knee socks
  • a roll of postage stamps
  • the left lens to my clip-on sunglasses

    so maybe things aren’t that bad. then again… this is probably just another case where i just don’t know what i’m missing. which is very, very likely.

    • 2 Responses to “relax, don’t do it”

    1. jamelah, on January 6th, 2004 at 9:57 pm Said:

      ok i am bowing to your genius. but i told you that already. damn, dirty. “dancing naked with alligators” is going to be the title of my next chapbook.

      also, jello salad is evil and needs to be expunged.

      expunged, i say!

    2. julia, on January 7th, 2004 at 9:52 am Said:

      Great kick off to twenty-ott-four, Miss Firecracker.

      Note: I’d consider bidding on Carl, but the set of luncheon plates should be reserved for Martha to pick up at your tag sale.

    « An Important Message Let’s Get Biblical… Biblical… »