You know how you get when the Moon is full? Well, it’s full, and you’re getting that way.

What the hell? “You know how you get…” Oh I do, do I?

Am I wrong here, or isn’t that what THEY’RE supposed to be telling ME? Last I checked, I wasn’t signed up for the DIY horoscope service. Which, I guess, wouldn’t exactly be a service. So now, I have this attitude-laden horoscope causing me a certain level of paranoia. You know how you get… That just implies some sort of disdain for “how I get”… which apparently I’m already supposed to know.

Before you all start writing in (all 2 of you) telling me that this is how horoscopes work — lyrical ambiguity that can be applied over a variety of situations. Yeah, I get it. However, I think that this really pulls out all the stops. But the fact remains that there are no gems of wisdom here, no sage advice, no mantras to be had. How would you feel if your horoscope read: “C’mon Pisces, you know how you are. Don’t try to have one over on us.” or “Capricorn: Things are happening, but we really can’t tell you what it means, because you already know. Trust us, you do. And besides, we’re not going to tell.” Or how about this one: “Taurus, the you-know-who is about to you-know-what. We think you know what to do next.” Maybe I’m too needy, but I think someone’s getting a little lazy around here.

I’m now contemplating starting my own column of horoscopes… things that are useful and direct. Such as: