the metafictional blues

For the love of everything that is right and holy, please play some music in the mornings instead of just running your yaps about stuff that no one wants to hear your opinion on. Do we need to hear Miss Jones’ opinion on the oil for food scandal? No more than we need to hear Snoop Dogg’s views on fuel alternatives, I’d guess. So shut your cram holes, play some music* and get back to being DJs already. Seriously, because there are people commuting out there who depend on you to make the time go by faster, and your incessant yammering about topics they hear already enough about is only INCREASING the level of road rage they feel. Not only that, they just may become so angry and violent they will turn their destructive tendencies to the poor innocents of the online world, killing Kenny and the entire creative process in one careless act.

*and we don’t mean the same 10 damn songs that you’ve played so much in the last year — we all love “Drop it Like It’s Hot”, but that doesn’t mean we need to hear it every hour or simultaneously on all 3 hip-hop stations.

Thank you.

Capitalizing on the burgeoning growth of lit-fuse Enterprises®(LITF), its subsidiaries and related ventures, our public relations department is pleased to announce the pending acquisition of Zen (ZENQ). Details are still forthcoming, however lit-fuse CEO, Caryn “fiahcrackadiah” Thurman, has approved a portion of this exlcusive interview for immediate release.

Jamelah Earle: What would your plans be for Zen?
Caryn Thurman, lit-fuse Enterprises: Break its spirit, liquidate any assets and then offload it to the sweatshops in Guatemala.
JE: What about Zen’s current employees? Will you keep them on?
CT: Fuck ‘em.
JE: So I guess not, then. Any sort of severance package?
CT: They get a severance package — it’s called “reality”
JE: Do you have any plans for Zen’s subsidiaries, such as meditation or haiku?
CT: We’ll be keeping haiku, but meditation will be jettisoned like waste from a Dave Matthews Band tour bus.
JE: Will haiku see any changes in management?
CT: We’re looking to tap Bolton for the role
JE: Michael?
CT: Yes, although he’s been scrutinized lately for his policy on Syria, I think he’s the right man for the job.
JE: I suppose I should follow up with him directly, but do you know if he plans to keep the Bitchass Haiku Minister?
CT: He’s been instructed to terminate that contract — or else.
JE: Excellent.
CT: Of course he then starts asking “how am i supposed to live without bitchass?” But that’s quickly stifled with tranquilizers, you understand.
JE: Of course. Do you have plans for other sects of Buddhism or are you only setting your sights on Zen?
CT: Well, due to pending deals, we’re unable to comment at this time, however, I can tell you that you will be seeing a lot more of the Buddha in Wal-Marts across the country very, very soon.
JE: That sounds exciting. Do you have plans for the mid-90’s hit by the British band Bush, “Everything Zen”?
CT: I’ll say this much — if we can’t turn that into a stadium anthem, then no one can.
JE: Sounds very ambitious. Is this the start of your expansion into major world religions? Or do you think Zen is enough?
CT: Well our whole aim is to really deconstruct the concept of Zen to maximize profits — we’re not really interested major world religions, per se, and we don’t really see Zen in that category — we like to think of it more like Silly Putty or the Hula Hoop.
JE: Interesting. Why Zen?
CT: Why Zen? That’s exactly the question we’re asking.
JE: heh
CT: As an aside, I did want to mention that we’re making Michael Bolton grow *back* his mullet.
JE: I think that’s an excellent plan.
CT: I think it’s going to be key to our new strategy.
JE: Will he also be releasing any new albums?
CT: Well we’re hoping he can focus on the business and the mullet for now, but we’ve been in talks with the Crue for a collaborative project. Not to be confused with a multiple media project.
JE: Right, of course. Is this in any way related to Vince Neil’s turn on reality television?
CT: Not really, we’ve been working independently. Actually it’s a funny story how this all happened (laughs), we were in Reseda and saw Vince in a bagel shop wearing only some zebra print bike pants. We did talk a bit but just small talk — our families, skeet shooting, etc. — it wasn’t until later that we realized we both had new projects in the works. (laughs)
JE: (oh man hahahaha) It’s funny how things work out sometimes, huh? Well, I’m sure that your acquisition of Zen is certain to shock some people within the Mergers and Acquisitions world — are you prepared for any backlash?
CT: Always — What I’ve learned in all my years in this business is that a lot of people won’t like what you do. But then, a few months from now, they’ll be buying up Zen, just like everyone else.
JE: Do you have anything to say to those who might argue that Zen is a nonmaterialistic religion?
CT: (chuckles) Well, I think that’s what Zen has always wanted you to think, while it picks your pocket as you Ohmmm your way to the nuthouse. What we’re trying to do is to put everything out in the open and make it a conscious choice. Like Coke or Nike.
JE: How will things change for the regular, everyday Zen practitioner (or should I say consumer)?
CT: They’re free to go about their business as usual for now… I think they’ll come to find that Zen isn’t what it used to be and this definitely isn’t your father’s Zen. Of course they’ll need to make sure when they reference Zen that they use the trademark: Zen^TM.
JE: Will there be a cost associated with practicing Zen?
CT: There isn’t necessarily a cost to “practice” Zen, other than your own self-respect. But at the point where you want to go beyond “practicing” … well, that’s where we come in.
JE: Sounds fair. Any other thoughts?
CT: Hmmmm. I think that what people need to remember is that Zen is not going away, so we might as well turn it into something useful. Like Scotch Tape or Doritos.
JE: Well, I thank you for your willingness to be interviewed, and I wish you the best of luck with your latest business venture.

So I ended up in Baltimore, a city I’ve driven through and around countless times, but never had the common courtesy to stop and look around. But all that’s changed. A quick train ride north, then into a cab to a mysterious address — romance heightened by intrigue. Who could ask for anything more? Well ok, the handsome boy waiting on the sidewalk didn’t hurt either.

Baltimore is actually a nice little city, its reputation as the violent crime capital of the universe notwithstanding. There are a lot of interesting sights to see, historical landmarks and a nice inner harbor area with museums, shopping and restaurants. We saw several other areas of Baltimore that seemed to have their own unique flair as well. Sometimes the flair was a little too “straight out of Compton” — but still — flair. The city as a whole has a very unique and appealing look architecturally and we were able to snap some good pictures while we were there.

We were both a little tired from the week’s work and a tad under the weather, so we didn’t get out to see and do as much as we probably would have otherwise. (I think this is actually what we needed anyway — rest!) We stayed at a nice little bed and breakfast in the Federal Hill area and I think this let us feel more relaxed and unscheduled. We took it easy, but we were still able to hang out on Federal Hill, check out the Maryland Science Center, eat a lot of crabcakes, spend time with Poe and took in some great art at The Baltimore Museum of Art. Not to mention Camden Yards. As it often is in a new place, some of the best scenery is found just wandering around aimlessly. Still, there was a lot we are planning to go back and see that we didn’t get around to on this trip.

The weekend came and went too soon, but it’s a great memory and was a much-needed getaway. Just a few snapshots…

Panorama of Inner Harbor from Federal Hill

Ditto

Paying my respects …
Seems fitting that the circus was in town.

Swing batter, batter

Quick snap of Federal Hill neighborhood

I’m hardly the first person to pledge allegiance to Loverboy’s anthem of weekend anticipation, but I can’t help asking “You wanna be in the show?” by the time Thursday rolls around. This week, I’m even more excited about the arrival of quitting time on Friday, because I’m going away for the weekend — and I don’t even know where I’m going. Aside from making it a bit hard to pack, I think a secret getaway is exactly what I need.

Now I don’t usually talk much about my “personal life” in a public way, but I have to say that my boyfriend is the best in the world. He probably doesn’t want this to get out — but he’s very much a romantic. A sweet, sexy, funny and smart romantic, at that. Unfortunately we don’t get to see each other as much as we’d like — but sometimes this makes reuniting that much more special. (Reunited… and it feels so goo-ood. Sing it with me now…) So when he tells me we’re going away this weekend and I’m to await further instructions on how, when and where … it can only be good news. I love surprises, but I’m also highly impatient. But I must wait until later this afternoon at the appointed time when I can get the first inkling of what exactly is going on. Anticipation can be exhilarating, but I can’t help trying to figure it out ahead of time. So this afternoon I’ve been trying to think of what the plans could be. What better to solve this mystery than using the process of elimination. With that, I present to you … the top ten places I don’t think we’re going.

10. Auto Zone
9. The World Championship of Karaoke
8. The magical land of Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
7. Rhode Island
6. Motley Crue concert
5. Saturn
4. My aunt Joyce’s garage
3. Istanbul (not Constantinople)
2. Electric Avenue

and the number one place that I don’t think we’re going:

1. Tic Tac Factory

And there you have it. I think I’m getting warmer. Oh yes, indeed.

(No, that’s not the latest XTC song.)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about chicken. Perhaps it’s because it’s not the other white meat. It IS the white meat. (Or should I say it is THE white meat?) I’m starting to realize that in addition to this country’s obsession with chicken (chicken tenders, the chicken dance, why did the chicken cross the road, etc.), there is something else permeating the underbelly of mass media’s sphere of doom — err … influence. Oh, there is a vast conspiracy alright. But the right wing isn’t the wing you should be worried about. Try chicken wing. “But … but … buh…” you might say, “Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing!” It looks like they have you right where they want you.

I’ve always had an inkling that something was up with chicken … but it became abundantly clear I couldn’t ignore this feeling when I heard a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial on the radio. But in the background, were they playing “My Old Kentucky Home” or “Kentucky Woman”? No. No they were not. They were playing an instrumental version of “Sweet Home Alabama”. And I ask: WTF, mate? Last I checked, it wasn’t “Alabama Fried Chicken”. I think there’s some kind of intentional process of disorientation and confusion being perpetrated here. And what does Lynyrd Skynyrd have to do with this?

Enter Hootie. Yes, that’s right. Hootie has left his Blowfish behind and now he’s a cowboy. Singing about a promised land of Burger King Chicken Sandwiches. A fantastic, magical land where Christina Aguilera plucks chicken breasts from trees. Are these people on crack? Or is there more to this chicken than this cowboy’s telling us?

Tell me, why does chicken have to be so crazy? You don’t see beef acting this way, do you? (Ok, there’s mad cow, but that’s a different kind of crazy.) Absurdity is fine … when it doesn’t seek to confuse the public with its deliberate dissemination of disinformation. But the facts show that chicken has closely aligned itself with military strategists. General Tso ring a bell? How about Colonel Sanders? As if being the tuna of the dirt wasn’t enough, chicken has gone so far as to secure naval power. That’s right — Popeye’s.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about chicken. And I think it’s time you start to as well. My name is Caryn and I approved this message.