Archive for March, 2005

For the love of everything that is right and holy, please play some music in the mornings instead of just running your yaps about stuff that no one wants to hear your opinion on. Do we need to hear Miss Jones’ opinion on the oil for food scandal? No more than we need to hear Snoop Dogg’s views on fuel alternatives, I’d guess. So shut your cram holes, play some music* and get back to being DJs already. Seriously, because there are people commuting out there who depend on you to make the time go by faster, and your incessant yammering about topics they hear already enough about is only INCREASING the level of road rage they feel. Not only that, they just may become so angry and violent they will turn their destructive tendencies to the poor innocents of the online world, killing Kenny and the entire creative process in one careless act.

*and we don’t mean the same 10 damn songs that you’ve played so much in the last year — we all love “Drop it Like It’s Hot”, but that doesn’t mean we need to hear it every hour or simultaneously on all 3 hip-hop stations.

Thank you.

Capitalizing on the burgeoning growth of lit-fuse Enterprises®(LITF), its subsidiaries and related ventures, our public relations department is pleased to announce the pending acquisition of Zen (ZENQ). Details are still forthcoming, however lit-fuse CEO, Caryn “fiahcrackadiah” Thurman, has approved a portion of this exlcusive interview for immediate release.

Jamelah Earle: What would your plans be for Zen?
Caryn Thurman, lit-fuse Enterprises: Break its spirit, liquidate any assets and then offload it to the sweatshops in Guatemala.
JE: What about Zen’s current employees? Will you keep them on?
CT: Fuck ‘em.
JE: So I guess not, then. Any sort of severance package?
CT: They get a severance package — it’s called “reality”
JE: Do you have any plans for Zen’s subsidiaries, such as meditation or haiku?
CT: We’ll be keeping haiku, but meditation will be jettisoned like waste from a Dave Matthews Band tour bus.
JE: Will haiku see any changes in management?
CT: We’re looking to tap Bolton for the role
JE: Michael?
CT: Yes, although he’s been scrutinized lately for his policy on Syria, I think he’s the right man for the job.
JE: I suppose I should follow up with him directly, but do you know if he plans to keep the Bitchass Haiku Minister?
CT: He’s been instructed to terminate that contract — or else.
JE: Excellent.
CT: Of course he then starts asking “how am i supposed to live without bitchass?” But that’s quickly stifled with tranquilizers, you understand.
JE: Of course. Do you have plans for other sects of Buddhism or are you only setting your sights on Zen?
CT: Well, due to pending deals, we’re unable to comment at this time, however, I can tell you that you will be seeing a lot more of the Buddha in Wal-Marts across the country very, very soon.
JE: That sounds exciting. Do you have plans for the mid-90′s hit by the British band Bush, “Everything Zen”?
CT: I’ll say this much — if we can’t turn that into a stadium anthem, then no one can.
JE: Sounds very ambitious. Is this the start of your expansion into major world religions? Or do you think Zen is enough?
CT: Well our whole aim is to really deconstruct the concept of Zen to maximize profits — we’re not really interested major world religions, per se, and we don’t really see Zen in that category — we like to think of it more like Silly Putty or the Hula Hoop.
JE: Interesting. Why Zen?
CT: Why Zen? That’s exactly the question we’re asking.
JE: heh
CT: As an aside, I did want to mention that we’re making Michael Bolton grow *back* his mullet.
JE: I think that’s an excellent plan.
CT: I think it’s going to be key to our new strategy.
JE: Will he also be releasing any new albums?
CT: Well we’re hoping he can focus on the business and the mullet for now, but we’ve been in talks with the Crue for a collaborative project. Not to be confused with a multiple media project.
JE: Right, of course. Is this in any way related to Vince Neil’s turn on reality television?
CT: Not really, we’ve been working independently. Actually it’s a funny story how this all happened (laughs), we were in Reseda and saw Vince in a bagel shop wearing only some zebra print bike pants. We did talk a bit but just small talk — our families, skeet shooting, etc. — it wasn’t until later that we realized we both had new projects in the works. (laughs)
JE: (oh man hahahaha) It’s funny how things work out sometimes, huh? Well, I’m sure that your acquisition of Zen is certain to shock some people within the Mergers and Acquisitions world — are you prepared for any backlash?
CT: Always — What I’ve learned in all my years in this business is that a lot of people won’t like what you do. But then, a few months from now, they’ll be buying up Zen, just like everyone else.
JE: Do you have anything to say to those who might argue that Zen is a nonmaterialistic religion?
CT: (chuckles) Well, I think that’s what Zen has always wanted you to think, while it picks your pocket as you Ohmmm your way to the nuthouse. What we’re trying to do is to put everything out in the open and make it a conscious choice. Like Coke or Nike.
JE: How will things change for the regular, everyday Zen practitioner (or should I say consumer)?
CT: They’re free to go about their business as usual for now… I think they’ll come to find that Zen isn’t what it used to be and this definitely isn’t your father’s Zen. Of course they’ll need to make sure when they reference Zen that they use the trademark: Zen^TM.
JE: Will there be a cost associated with practicing Zen?
CT: There isn’t necessarily a cost to “practice” Zen, other than your own self-respect. But at the point where you want to go beyond “practicing” … well, that’s where we come in.
JE: Sounds fair. Any other thoughts?
CT: Hmmmm. I think that what people need to remember is that Zen is not going away, so we might as well turn it into something useful. Like Scotch Tape or Doritos.
JE: Well, I thank you for your willingness to be interviewed, and I wish you the best of luck with your latest business venture.

So I ended up in Baltimore, a city I’ve driven through and around countless times, but never had the common courtesy to stop and look around. But all that’s changed. A quick train ride north, then into a cab to a mysterious address — romance heightened by intrigue. Who could ask for anything more? Well ok, the handsome boy waiting on the sidewalk didn’t hurt either.

Baltimore is actually a nice little city, its reputation as the violent crime capital of the universe notwithstanding. There are a lot of interesting sights to see, historical landmarks and a nice inner harbor area with museums, shopping and restaurants. We saw several other areas of Baltimore that seemed to have their own unique flair as well. Sometimes the flair was a little too “straight out of Compton” — but still — flair. The city as a whole has a very unique and appealing look architecturally and we were able to snap some good pictures while we were there.

We were both a little tired from the week’s work and a tad under the weather, so we didn’t get out to see and do as much as we probably would have otherwise. (I think this is actually what we needed anyway — rest!) We stayed at a nice little bed and breakfast in the Federal Hill area and I think this let us feel more relaxed and unscheduled. We took it easy, but we were still able to hang out on Federal Hill, check out the Maryland Science Center, eat a lot of crabcakes, spend time with Poe and took in some great art at The Baltimore Museum of Art. Not to mention Camden Yards. As it often is in a new place, some of the best scenery is found just wandering around aimlessly. Still, there was a lot we are planning to go back and see that we didn’t get around to on this trip.

The weekend came and went too soon, but it’s a great memory and was a much-needed getaway. Just a few snapshots…

Panorama of Inner Harbor from Federal Hill

Ditto

Paying my respects …
Seems fitting that the circus was in town.

Swing batter, batter

Quick snap of Federal Hill neighborhood