Capitalizing on the burgeoning growth of lit-fuse Enterprises®(LITF), its subsidiaries and related ventures, our public relations department is pleased to announce the pending acquisition of Zen (ZENQ). Details are still forthcoming, however lit-fuse CEO, Caryn “fiahcrackadiah” Thurman, has approved a portion of this exlcusive interview for immediate release.

Jamelah Earle: What would your plans be for Zen?
Caryn Thurman, lit-fuse Enterprises: Break its spirit, liquidate any assets and then offload it to the sweatshops in Guatemala.
JE: What about Zen’s current employees? Will you keep them on?
CT: Fuck ‘em.
JE: So I guess not, then. Any sort of severance package?
CT: They get a severance package — it’s called “reality”
JE: Do you have any plans for Zen’s subsidiaries, such as meditation or haiku?
CT: We’ll be keeping haiku, but meditation will be jettisoned like waste from a Dave Matthews Band tour bus.
JE: Will haiku see any changes in management?
CT: We’re looking to tap Bolton for the role
JE: Michael?
CT: Yes, although he’s been scrutinized lately for his policy on Syria, I think he’s the right man for the job.
JE: I suppose I should follow up with him directly, but do you know if he plans to keep the Bitchass Haiku Minister?
CT: He’s been instructed to terminate that contract — or else.
JE: Excellent.
CT: Of course he then starts asking “how am i supposed to live without bitchass?” But that’s quickly stifled with tranquilizers, you understand.
JE: Of course. Do you have plans for other sects of Buddhism or are you only setting your sights on Zen?
CT: Well, due to pending deals, we’re unable to comment at this time, however, I can tell you that you will be seeing a lot more of the Buddha in Wal-Marts across the country very, very soon.
JE: That sounds exciting. Do you have plans for the mid-90′s hit by the British band Bush, “Everything Zen”?
CT: I’ll say this much — if we can’t turn that into a stadium anthem, then no one can.
JE: Sounds very ambitious. Is this the start of your expansion into major world religions? Or do you think Zen is enough?
CT: Well our whole aim is to really deconstruct the concept of Zen to maximize profits — we’re not really interested major world religions, per se, and we don’t really see Zen in that category — we like to think of it more like Silly Putty or the Hula Hoop.
JE: Interesting. Why Zen?
CT: Why Zen? That’s exactly the question we’re asking.
JE: heh
CT: As an aside, I did want to mention that we’re making Michael Bolton grow *back* his mullet.
JE: I think that’s an excellent plan.
CT: I think it’s going to be key to our new strategy.
JE: Will he also be releasing any new albums?
CT: Well we’re hoping he can focus on the business and the mullet for now, but we’ve been in talks with the Crue for a collaborative project. Not to be confused with a multiple media project.
JE: Right, of course. Is this in any way related to Vince Neil’s turn on reality television?
CT: Not really, we’ve been working independently. Actually it’s a funny story how this all happened (laughs), we were in Reseda and saw Vince in a bagel shop wearing only some zebra print bike pants. We did talk a bit but just small talk — our families, skeet shooting, etc. — it wasn’t until later that we realized we both had new projects in the works. (laughs)
JE: (oh man hahahaha) It’s funny how things work out sometimes, huh? Well, I’m sure that your acquisition of Zen is certain to shock some people within the Mergers and Acquisitions world — are you prepared for any backlash?
CT: Always — What I’ve learned in all my years in this business is that a lot of people won’t like what you do. But then, a few months from now, they’ll be buying up Zen, just like everyone else.
JE: Do you have anything to say to those who might argue that Zen is a nonmaterialistic religion?
CT: (chuckles) Well, I think that’s what Zen has always wanted you to think, while it picks your pocket as you Ohmmm your way to the nuthouse. What we’re trying to do is to put everything out in the open and make it a conscious choice. Like Coke or Nike.
JE: How will things change for the regular, everyday Zen practitioner (or should I say consumer)?
CT: They’re free to go about their business as usual for now… I think they’ll come to find that Zen isn’t what it used to be and this definitely isn’t your father’s Zen. Of course they’ll need to make sure when they reference Zen that they use the trademark: Zen^TM.
JE: Will there be a cost associated with practicing Zen?
CT: There isn’t necessarily a cost to “practice” Zen, other than your own self-respect. But at the point where you want to go beyond “practicing” … well, that’s where we come in.
JE: Sounds fair. Any other thoughts?
CT: Hmmmm. I think that what people need to remember is that Zen is not going away, so we might as well turn it into something useful. Like Scotch Tape or Doritos.
JE: Well, I thank you for your willingness to be interviewed, and I wish you the best of luck with your latest business venture.