Archive for September, 2005
My cats aren’t easily impressed (yes, catS — before you start imagining me as the quintessential cat lady I’ll just tell you it’s all true). What cats are, really, but mine seem to have an extra air of cynicism about them. So imagine my surprise when I discovered that my cats are secretly big Usher fans. I know, it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. I guess maybe it’s not too unusual, since Usher is so popular and all (and because he’s got the music that make your booty go < clap >, but I digress). Granted, I never really gave much thought to what kind of music my cats were into, but I would never have sensed they were the Usher type. But they are and they seem to particularly like the song “Burn”, then again, who doesn’t?
You might be asking yourself “How does she even know her cats like Usher?” I mean most likely you aren’t asking yourself that since odds are you’re not even here reading this, but you might. And if I happened to overhear you asking yourself such a question, I’d have to tell you that it all started when we went to buy a plunger at Wal-Mart. (Me and my boo that is, not me and my cats. The cats don’t really like to go to Wal-Mart, especially since they heard about Hilfiger.) You see, sometimes when you go to Wal-Mart, you just feel compelled to buy things. This is because of the happy faces, toxic fumes and the FALLING PRICES. Add in a love for all things karaoke to that and you’ve got a recipe for bringing the R&B hip-hop stylings to the felines in a one-night-only personal home concert. I don’t think even Dr. Doolittle can top that.
We ended up getting a nice little hip-hop karaoke CD and so, as goes many of my best stories, I’d had some merlot and decided that my rendition of “Burn” needed to break free from its gilded cage, a.k.a., my lungs. I sing a lot around the house and while I’m working … and the cats are used to this and tend to pretend they don’t know I’m there by just blinking a few times and rolling back over to continue their naps. (Oddly enough, I get that reaction in many situations.) However, this time was different, as I started belting out “when I’m hurtin’ baby, I ain’t happy baby”, a strange thing happened — the magical lure of this song prompted my cats to come and lie down in front of me … attentive, entranced, telling me with their big cat eyes that if they had a lighter and paws that could operate one while swaying back and forth, they would indeed be doing so at that very moment. It was a night I won’t soon forget. The night I discovered my cats loved Usher.
Wal-Mart’s drive to be more stylish and hip continues as they revamp displays and selection in their electronics department (also), adding the iPod line to their offerings … but I think this may be going a bit too far. According to a report from AdAge.com:
“In an effort to boost its fashion credibility, Wal-Mart is reportedly considering the acquisition of Tommy Hilfiger.”
Really? Are they going to keep him in a cage? Make him wear one of those blue smocks? Or will he be redesigning the blue smocks for all greeters, thereby making them fashionistas?
I know Wal-Mart has often been criticized for their working conditions and employee management, but buying Tommy Hilfiger? Why, that’s just CRAZY!
Although I’m no Tommy Hilfiger fan, I must say: Run, Tommy, Run! Before you know it Kathie Lee will be standing over you with a bullwhip, and no one wants that.
I don’t think it’s any secret that I love me some Martha Stewart. I daresay I think I have a crush on her — and I don’t care who knows! I am utterly fascinated by (Don’t call it a comeback, homeslices, she’s been here for years!) her new show, simply titled “Martha”. (Not to be confused with the premiere of Apprentice: Martha Stewart which should also be magically delicious. Because let’s face it, she can bust balls as well as Donald Trump, has as much hair and just looks so much better. It’s a good thing. My notes on this wonder of entertainment coming soon.)
The new show is a sort of different spin on the old Martha Stewart Living show, updated, in touch, but still retaining the classic Martha touches and topics. The look of the show itself is very similar to the soft, muted colors and scenery, but without the fuzzy camera treatment and with Martha laughing, cracking jokes, showing up on people’s doorsteps and saying “Oh I know what ballin’ means”. Lord have MERCY! It’s like they took the old show, mixed it with equal parts of Oprah, Letterman and Punk’d … because you know some of these guests have to be thinking “Holy shit, I’m not really handling grosgrain ribbon with Martha FREAKIN’ Stewart!” It’s the stuff dreams are made of … my dreams anyway.
There have been so many good moments in the show already and it’s only been on the air, what, a week?
For Martha, folding t-shirts in her crazy-ass perfect way is like Letterman and his big-ass ham. I hope it’s a running “gag” they do a lot. I think because it freaks people out, it’s insane that there is some origami way to fold a t-shirt and because it reminds me of when Martha was on Oprah talking about how to fold a fitted sheet and when the person picked to be the willing victim, er, assistant was totally not getting it, Martha was like “it’s not rocket science, dumbass”. And I say any time you can call out an innocent bystander on being a maroon, you should take that opportunity. This is why I have so many friends and am pop-u-lar.
But this isn’t about me, it’s about Martha.
Like when she made fun of her “method” for piping steaming hot scrambled eggs into eggshells with Marcia Cross. And they both probably got second-degree burns on their palms (“Whose idea was this?”). Or when she was a slow potsticker maker on her “factory tour” of Rickshaw Dumpling Bar. Or when, in the same segment, put way too many sesame seeds on the chocolate dumpling!! Ooooh weee! She drops stuff … her dog tries to hump Elmo …
Possibly my favorite thing about Martha’s debut is that she seems very honest and real, but still ever so Martha. Like how she casually refers to Alderson or being in prison at least a half-dozen times per show. I’m not sure if she plants these intentionally as a wink to all her naysayers or if it’s more an automatic reference to an intensely interesting part of her life. I don’t much care, because it cracks me up each time. Like how she told David Spade, while making microwaved “baked” apples that “in prison you look for the women with the cinnamon” (/paraphrasing), since it’s a scarce resource. Or when she mentioned that she uses butter in this specific recipe, but that butter isn’t readily available but that it could be “found” in prison. Bizarre, yet alluringly disturbing. This was also the show where David Spade came on dressed as Martha, in a poncho (did I mention everyone in the audience was wearing a poncho?), skittish and feeling a bit sheepish about poking fun at Martha in his SNL days. David Spade and Martha talking about contraband, cooking Tater Tots and Spade calling Martha “dude”. It was a monumental day in television history, for sure.
Of course then a few days later, Martha and Diddy could be found side by side, rapping, dancing and talking about bling. And making hand-painted wrapping paper. I’m not sure you’ve really experienced life to its fullest unless you’ve heard Martha rap: So you want to be ballers, shot callers. or tell Diddy “Oh, I know what ballin’ means.” Seriously.
Another great segment is when Martha decides to visit unsuspecting fans at their homes. And asks what she can do to help them out around the house or to make dinner. Can you imagine? As much as it would pain me, I think I’d have to turn her away at the door, out of shame for the state of my housekeeping skillz. Martha asking for other people’s recipes, sitting down to dinner … playing a crazy Italian card game that wasn’t in the Hoyle book of card games that she was given in prison. I read somewhere that the USA Today review of the show claimed that Martha was “cold” on the show and stiff. Well I don’t know what show they were watching, but I think I am just going to have to chalk that review up to the fact that they’re not a real newspaper. Because if your paper can be found along side a Happy Meal, there may not be real reliable reporting… just saying.
If you’ve missed some of these quality moments, never fear — you can catch some of the show’s highlights in the Martha video archive. Martha daily, it’s definitely a good thing.