the metafictional blues

Ok, I admit it, I’m not a big movie person. I’m not sure why, but I’ve just never been what you might call a cinephile. In fact, I may even be a cinephobe. I’m sure this has something to do with the time my dad took us to see Jaws 3D. I was 9 and don’t really remember anything about it but I’m positive there’s some psychological trauma there. In any case, I’m kind of notorious around this house for not wanting to watch a movie (although I do often give a free pass to any movie made before 1950). On Sunday night my husband even said, after I had rebuffed the idea of settling in with an as yet to be determined flick of the evening, “That’s just weird.” Actually I don’t think that was his exact quote, but I think it’s a good summary so we’ll go with it. All of this to say that even if I had the inclination to be a movie person, I think I might have justification for my reluctance after seeing that two childhood institutions are now being made into full length films. Of course I’m talking about the upcoming versions of Fame and … wait for it … The SMURFS. I’m not even making this up — IMDB doesn’t lie, people.

While I suppose the idea of a Fame movie to will be a great way to capitalize on some of the recent success of similar films, such as High School Musical, I felt a wave of “what a bad idea” rush over me when I saw the commercial. I wasn’t really a big fan of Fame as a kid, so maybe I’m not getting the nostalgia factor they might hope to cash in on. I was, however, big into The Smurfs. I like blue Smurfs and I cannot lie. Many a Saturday morning I would gladly settle in with a Pop-Tart and watch the antics of Brainy, Grouchy, Smurfette and Papa Smurf as they narrowly escaped the evil clutches of Gargamel. I even stayed with them when they introduced the Smurf *kids* and I’m sure I had several pieces of Smurf-related paraphernalia. So trust me, I get the lure of making a Smurfs movie, but I think there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Sure, I know there have been a long line of childhood classic remakes and characters making their way to the theater (or straight to DVD, depending). Alvin and the Chipmunks, Garfield, Dennis the Menace… not exactly shining examples of cinematography. Perhaps no one is claiming these to be the next wave of classic films, but if we go down the road of making a Smurfs movie, what is to stop us from taking Q*Bert to the big screen, or (heaven forbid) the Snorks? Have we lost all sense of decency? Can we not just enjoy these moments in time as they were? Or are we bound to take every last shard of childhood and render it with CGI and voice acting by folks from the latest Judd Apatow romp?